One of those moments

Had a night out with some friends last night, had a great time.
I had an enormous meal which I couldn’t finish. Got back to the hotel, sitting in the bar with friends and I realised I needed a poo.
The disabled toilet wasn’t that far away so off I went.
Now 2 of the meds I have to take give me awful “loose” motions, but I can sort of control that in advance with a combination of codeine and loperamide which I duly did yesterday, ( I did this because i didn’t want to face that moment when you are out with friends and you pull off a really sneaky silent fart, then realise 2 things 1: It wasn’t a fart 2: You have light coloured trousers on) except they worked too well and I dropped what I can only describe as 2 very large solid logs.
I finished and flushed the loo and stood there watching the water rise almost to the brim then go down again and my logs remained, so I flushed again, same thing happened, so after waiting for the cistern to fill I hunted round for a loo brush, there wasn’t one, so I flushed again, same thing happened.
So I stood there wondering what the hell I was going to do.
Should I just walk away and hope no-one knows it was me? nope, that’s not going to work because I had to go past reception to get to the loo and back at least 3 staff saw me.
Should I just go to reception and fess up? tell them what I did and apologise? Neither is a good option because either way they’ll talk about me and my paranoia will go into overdrive. I’ll have to go to breakfast in the morning with a bag on my head to hide my embarrassment.
I looked at the contents of the loo that were laying taunting me, I looked at my hand, I looked at the loo again and thought, no, no it ain’t happening, that’s going to be the very last resort. There must be a better plan.
Then I had one, get some loo paper pick them out and put them in the bin. Nope, that was probably the worst plan of the lot and the poor person who had to empty the bin would just look at it and think WTF?! and would tell everyone “You know that disabled bloke? well he did a shit in the bin”
Then I realised it was my lucky day, it was a unisex loo and they had those little bags that ladies dispose of tampons in.
So I put one on my hand, gritted my teeth, flushed the loo and gave everything a good shove and forced it around the bend.
Some of you I know will understand the struggle I had.

Steve Woodmore

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