Once you reach 60
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Once you reach 60

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Joined: 3 years ago

Every two years

When you reach the age of 60 you have to do a bowel cancer screening and then every two years after that; I'm now on my second screening because I'm 62 and the kit has arrived and I'm all ready to do it, except it doesn't make something clear.

They do supply you with instructions on how to actually get the sample into the bottle but what they don't do is tell you exactly how to get the sample to the stage where you can scrape it they just briefly say use a container or layers of toilet paper to catch your poo.

Toilet paper in the toilet doesn't work

If you put layers of toilet paper down the toilet it just gets wet and doesn't hold any poo so, do they mean you have to put it on the floor and then poo onto it? or do you have to empty the toilet of water and then put the paper in there or do you have to have the paper in your hand catch it while bending over? it doesn't actually say.

What sort of container?

I'm pretty sure if I said to my partner can I have one of the breakfast bowls because I want to have a poo in it she would probably throw me out the house.

I think the same thing would happen if I asked if I could use one of her Tupperware containers.

Chinese food

As luck would have it we were feeling a bit lazy and decided to get a Chinese takeaway delivered and this actually solved the problem quite nicely because the containers are exactly the right size to drop into the toilet bowl and stop your poo from hitting the water.

However this did generate another problem, it solves the problem of me being able to get the sample but then what do I do with the used container? Well, the first thing is to turn it upside down and give it a good shake and try and knock the poo out and into the toilet which still leaves a residue in the container So, what do you do with the container with this residue in it? do you just throw it in the bin? or do you rinse it out first then throw it in the bin? if you decide to rinse it how do you rinse it? I'm pretty sure rinsing a poo filled container out in the sink is another one of those things that will get me removed from the house sharpish.

In the end the solution I came up with was to get as much poo out as I could by turning it upside down and shaking it and then put it back in the toilet and flushing which actually rinsed the container out quite nicely then I could throw it away with the confidence that I'd be able to sleep in my own bed tonight.

Yes I know it's a shit story but it's all I've got for today